I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Well, this certainly took a turn
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height