Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
lol