5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.