They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Watermelon Boss!
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”