Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Wait a second…
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore