PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Happy Friday
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.