Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.