She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone