A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Bless you
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.