A choir of Spring onions
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History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.