Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*bites zombie*
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?