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When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
lmao
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻