The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
i can’t wait that long
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine