Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
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JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!