[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
who did the taste test?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ