remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I’m not stressed
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!