Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Breaking news:
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere