Am getting real tired of your crap…
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I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️