I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes