Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
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[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap