GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse