*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
do what now??
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping