I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
こいつ天才
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Truth
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume