So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The French cow says MEUX…
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.