My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
You Might Also Like
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time