7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Bill is short for Billiam
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
calling in to work dehydrated
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!