People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity