I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.