I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…