Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
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Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”