Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again