I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably