I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times