The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”