Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon