*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
You Might Also Like
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
When can I start eating bats again.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring