My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If you want my opinion ask my wife
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
hey, alexa
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.