“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Always 🥴
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.