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* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic