My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.