“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The pasta is now
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Your honor these allegations are
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them