When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
You Might Also Like
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
saw this in a dream
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.