Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.