Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!