I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I saw this ending much differently.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I gave up going to work for lent.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad