Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
ugh not again
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
What flavor cupcake are these
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE