My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
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*eats only grass-fed donuts
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Botany good plants lately?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.