“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.