I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours