harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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The check engine light came on inside my oven.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good